Best Plain English Sentence Transformation 2011

Winner: Maryland Spencer, ACC — ‘Ready for rehabilitation’

Before

In the opinion of the acute services and IRS TBI providers, the clients medical status would enable the client to make significant improvements in functioning as a result of rehabilitation that would result in an increase in vocational and social activity and participation related to their pre-injury vocational and social roles.

After

Acute services and IRS TBI providers deem the client ready for rehabilitation. This will significantly benefit their work and social activities.

Judges’ comments

This is a faultless transformation of a wordy, jargon-laden sentence into plain English. It substitutes officialese expressions into Simpler alternatives that do not compromise the content. It breaks up a long sentence snake into short and digestible bites. The remaining initialisms were appropriate for its audience, showing the effective judgement of its editor. The result provides the best 2011 example of a plain English sentence.

Media statement

Finalist: Lesley Hanes, Statistics New Zealand — ‘Notice of retirement’

Before

It is preferable that a permanent employee, an employee with an expectation of on going employment, who is entitled to retiring leave and is intending to retire, give Statistics New Zealand at least three months formal notice of their intention to retire.

After

If you are eligible for retirement leave and planning to retire, please give us at least three months notice in writing.

Judges’ comments

Staff communications are critical to a smoothly operating workforce. Yet so often policies and procedures for staff are written in the officious tone and long-winded style of this example. The revised version shows the power and precision of plain English in conveying the same concepts much more clearly. In particular, it demonstrates the value of personal pronouns in turning a text from a directive into a dialogue.

Finalist: Sue Wilton, Inland Revenue — ‘Tax transactions’

Before

Implicit in the Ben Nevis test is the acceptance that generally, Parliament contemplates that tax laws apply to transactions that correctly reflect their commercial and economic reality. In most cases therefore, if taxpayers apply the tax laws in a way that does not reflect the arrangement's commercial and economic reality and this achieves a tax advantage, the use of the tax law will fall outside Parliaments contemplation and the arrangement will be a tax avoidance arrangement.

After

The Ben Nevis case showed that generally, tax laws apply to transactions that do correctly reflect their commercial and economic reality. So we will look more closely at any transaction where the tax benefits seem to drive the transaction or those benefits are at odds with its commercial reality.

Judges’ comments

The editor of this sentence faced a particular challenge in needing to translate a dense piece of tax-speak into plain English for a public reader. The revised version gently untangles the technical content of the original to draw out the core message the general public needs: tax arrangements must reflect commercial reality. The result greatly increases clarity, which in turn can only maximise the chances of compliance.

Media statement

2011 Awards winners and finalists
2011 Awards

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